Your Stars Part 3

Libra

Hit TV show 'The X Factor' is back on our screens giving us all a rare, legitimate chance to laugh at the mentally ill during the audition stages. In this PC berserk world we now live in, such an activity has become scandalously frowned upon so it's only right to thank ITV for reviving this tragically forgotten pleasure by switching on in your droves. Also coming soon to your screens?.Black & White Minstrel Idol!

Scorpio

It's time to confront your partner about their recent suspicious behaviour - the extra hours spent at work, returning home slightly dishevelled and an unwillingness to make love to you because 'they're tired'. Be bold and act first ? burn all their clothes and smash their belongings to pieces before confronting them about their infidelity. Do not accept their explanation that they're doing overtime to pay off all the credit card debts you've run up because they love you and want to enjoy a stress free future with you. Ditch them and find someone that accepts you for who you are ? a paranoid, insecure, unreasonable, unhinged, spendaholic who'll do whatever a rubbish fictional astrologer tells them.

Sagittarius

A night out with an old friend makes you realise what a hash you've made of your life in comparison with theirs. They've got a better job, better relationship (including regular sex) and a better car and there's absolutely no prospect of you improving matters. Take solace from the fact that they had something nasty hanging out of their nostril for the entire evening.

Capricorn

This could be a month to really make something of your life. So go out, find a drug dealer, score some crack and heroin and start developing yourself a habit. This advice may fly in the face of previous wisdom on the subject but just look at Pete Doherty ? the moment he starts getting off his face on junk he gets in the papers every day, scoops a couple of top ten singles, makes a bucket load of money and bags himself a super model girlfriend. Just say 'no'? Just say 'pass the crack pipe' more like.

Aquarius What the hell is going on here? I'm not getting anything for you Aquariusans (or whatever you're called) this month. Every time I do this chart I just get a sudden urge to rush out and buy a Ford. Bizarre.

Pisces

DO NOT watch the third programme of the current series of X Factor UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! Apparently there's a hopeful who, in a bad light, may resemble myself slightly (but certainly IS NOT) who sings a wonderful rendition of a Brian McFadden song, and after an utterly unjustified mauling from Simon 'Wouldn't Know A Singing Psychic Megastar If It Poked Him Up The Jacksy' Cowell, ends up crying hysterically in the arms of Kate Thornton. Even though that poor unfortunate WASN'T ME (!) I'd like to take this opportunity to tell Simon Cowell that he's deprived the country of the greatest musical talent since, well, Brian McFadden. It's your loss Cowell ? not mine that bloke that looks like me!!!

Aries

Loss is difficult for anyone to cope with but please remember the old adage that time is a great healer. Your life may, at the moment, seem emptier than a fridge within the vicinity of Eamonn Holmes, but you must cling onto that light at the end of the tunnel ? Big Brother WILL be back on next year.

Taurus

September- the month that Summer turns to Autumn and a little happiness disappears from our hearts. There's a chill in the air where once there was glorious warmth. Those bright summer evenings start being lost to dark, depressing ones. The opportunity of the odd cheap thrill disappears as attractive young people start wearing more clothes and Saturday night TV on BBC1 becomes unwatchable as they trot out another appalling flop of a new series in a bid to compete with Ant & Dec and The X Factor. It's all gone rubbish hasn't it? Hang on though, it's not all bad ? if you're a parent, the kids go back to school! Woo-hoo!!!

Gemini

The new moon this month brings with it renewed optimism and with it banishes any doubts you had about certain major decisions you've had to make - you were absolutely right not to refuse your best friend's fianc? when they came on to you recently. Your friend is still on the verge of a breakdown following the death of their mother and would certainly have been in no mood get up to the filthy stuff their fianc? demanded of you. You are truly a wonderful friend, a view they will no doubt endorse when you tell them what you did. I'd leave it a few years before you do though ? or perhaps a few decades.

Cancer

Cancer- terrible name for a star sign isn't it? Surely if we have to have a sign named after an illness or affliction, it'd be better if it was something less awful - like 'Ricketts' perhaps or 'Thrush'. Mind you, there'd have to be a new symbol to go with it and designing one wouldn't come cheap. Hang on- got it! We can keep the existing symbol and just change the name to 'Crabs'. Bingo!

Leo

Beware of your short tempered nature and try and keep a perspective on things this month. We've all been there and it would be a struggle for anyone to retain their composure in similar circumstances but just remember this ? as infuriating as it is, being asked 'if you want fries with that' when ordering a McFlurry does not give you the right to get the assistant in a head lock, march them out of the door, drive them to a remote location and force them to watch re-runs of Celebrity Love Island. Sicko!

Virgo

I see cards - greetings cards. Gifts. A cake-with candles on. It looks like some sort of celebration, perhaps even a birthday celebration. Yes ? it's going to be your birthday! Happy Birthday (except those of you born in August)! God I'm good.

Your stars are available via <a target="_new" href="http://www.24-7london.co.uk">http://www.24-7london.co.uk</a>. They are written by a variety of people under the guise of 'Alex Barker'. 24-7 London is an online entertainment guide to London, England with a sense of humour.

Dog Poo - And You Thought You Had Problems

In Southern Germany in a town by the name of Bayreuth, the German police are in a quandary. The town's dog poo is under attack. Park officials are desperate to resolve what could become an international incident. Unknown person or persons have been sticking little US flags into piles of doggie poo for over a year now.

Surprisingly the dog poo brigade has managed to target between 2,000 to 3,000 abandoned piles of excrement in Bayreuth public parks. Quite who actually counted them all and provided these statistics is debatable but the source is rumoured as coming from the Parks Administrator ? Josef Oettl. And you wondered what your parkie did each day?

What was thought to have started as a protest against the Iraqi war has continued through the US election campaign and is still a regular occurrence today. Have the German's not heard of poop a scoop? Surely all self respecting German citizens collect their doggie poo. Poop in the parks and pavements was surely just a British thing?

German police are now stepping up patrols in order to catch these offenders. However, the poo could hit the fan if they ever tried to bring them to court. It is unclear what they would actually charge them with as there is no law against using doggie poo in this way. In fact, you could fly any flag from any piece of turd you find lying around. It's not illegal but it cannot be a pleasant task.

Surely this wouldn't catch on over here in the UK ? would it?

From Birmingham UK Com. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.birminghamuk.com">http://www.birminghamuk.com</a>)

Health Club Regulars ?- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym

One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the huge variety of exercise equipment that's available. It's also a great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society. Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars:

1. Screaming Banshee ?- We've all been focused on our workout when out of nowhere comes a blood-curdling sound from the corner of the weight room. You look over and there's a guy doing laterals with 20 lb dumbbells. It doesn't matter what the exercise or weight is ?- he's screaming with every rep. If it helps his workouts, then more power to him! It certainly makes a good case for a Walkman.

2. The Strainer ?- The Strainer can often be observed loading up a barbell or weight stack with poundage that he is unable to perform even a single rep in good form with. A favorite exercise of the Strainer is the triceps press down machine. He will position the pin almost near the bottom of the weight stack and then proceed to wrestle the stack downward with every ounce of his being. It's truly painful to watch, but like a car wreck, it's hard to look away.

After using most all of the muscles in his upper body along with several in his lower, he finally manages to complete a rep. &quot;That's one!&quot; Yep, only nine more to go. Oh yeah, don't bother trying to be helpful and tell him to use less weight. You'll only be greeted with a nasty glare.

3. iPod Head Banger ?- this is usually a young person, male or female, who seems to have ear buds permanently implanted into their head. Music can be a great inspiration during your workouts, but these folks turn the volume up to 11. Of course everyone in the immediate area can groove to the same jams due to the sound leaking out from their ear buds.

The hazard is that Mr. or Ms Head Banger is usually oblivious to their surroundings and you'll need to shout to get their attention if the need arises. At least you can hear them coming and give them a wide berth.

4. Stanley Steamer ?- it's hard to believe, but there are people who actually use their gym memberships just to avail themselves of the locker room amenities. Take Stanley Steamer for example. He may come in on his lunch hour or after work and do some quick cardio work and then it's right back to the locker room. The cardio work is just a pretext for what comes next.

He then will do alternating shifts between the dry sauna and steam room until he's sweated out every last drop of water from his body. This process can go on for up to an hour. &quot;Great for the pores!&quot; he'll tell you as he stands there glistening like a Thanksgiving Butterball. You go Stan!

5. Ken and Barbie ?- there are some gym regulars who are so genetically gifted that they have gone into permanent &quot;maintenance mode&quot; for they're training. Their routines consist of a solid core of shaping exercises with the strict rule that they must never, under any circumstances, ever shed one drop of sweat!

No hair is out of place and they look spectacular in their Lycra workout gear. In fact, you seem to never see them wearing anything else, even outside of the gym.

6. Chatty Cathy ?- Cathy is a relatively new species that has evolved with the proliferation of cell phones and the trend to use them no matter where we are. She will take up position on the adductor machine and wait for a call ?- any call ?- which soon arrives without fail.

She'll talk away for minutes on end. Occasionally passing the cell phone to any friends who have joined her for a &quot;workout&quot;. She'll use these breaks to get in a few reps on whatever machine she's parked herself on. Just to be fair and balanced, there are also plenty of Chatty Carls as well.

7. Swiss Ball Magician ?- this is usually either a personal trainer or staff member who has learned a large repertoire of stability ball exercises from a special course or secret training manual. I marvel at the endless variety of moves they possess!

They're on top of the ball, under it, along side it, between the legs with it, and around the back. They make the Harlem Globe Trotters look like pikers! Actually, I pay close attention when they're around and try to cop some of their moves.

All of these types are well-meaning folks and they are certainly preferable to some of the knuckleheads that sometimes show up at the gym. They make going to the gym the enjoyable and enriching experience that it is.

Rich Rojas

Elliptical Trainer Reviews and Fitness Ideas

<a target="_new" href="http://www.ellipticalhome.com">http://www.ellipticalhome.com</a>

Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward

Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never sleeps" should visit The Maternity Ward. My recent visit included a drop-in on several screenings of "A Star Is Born" at the late-show theatre, right near Mama's Breast (all night milk bar) and Papa's Gas Station ("We burp you on your way.").

To a chorus of infant cries, I drafted this column at 1:00 a.m. Of course, it was 3:00 p.m. in Tokyo, so I suppose it wasn't so late after all.

The whole experience of birthing seems to be a very traumatic way to build a family. Fortunately, it did lead to two very happy results. It gave me a new daughter, Lauralee, the Little Sister. And it taught me some valuable lessons, which it is my patriotic duty to share with you.

The first lesson ? all men, take note ? is that my wife is my hero.

As the husband, I experienced the whole birthing outburst second-hand. After careful observation, I conclude that this is the best way to experience it. (Apparently I had some first-hand experience over 40 years ago, but I can't remember too many details.)

Most husbands suffer great humiliation during childbirth. Wives hurl razor-sharp insults like "I hate you!" and "You fink!" and "You did this to me!" and "I HATE YOU!!!" My wife, truly original even in pure agony, didn't use any of those words. In fact, she didn't say a thing. Instead, she threw up on me.

Of course, I don't hold the throwing up against her. The second lesson I wish to share with you is the importance of forgiving people who act in haste, in anger, or in excruciating pain from pushing a six-inch wide baby through a one-inch wide hole in their bodies.

Did I mention that this was a "natural" childbirth? Natural, as in no painkillers. OK, so there was the epidural, which should have relieved the pain, if even one of the four dosage increases had worked. And I suppose you could call morphine and nubain painkillers if they had actually killed any pain.

So my wife, with a permanent back condition amplifying the stab of every contraction and reverberating it through the spine with no momentary relief between contractions, felt every glorious minute ? 487 in all ? of the unplanned "natural" childbirth. Did I mention that she is my hero? The third lesson is, when the best-laid plans go astray, improvise (which might explain the throwing up ? I have reason to believe it was not planned, either).

My wife's trauma was nothing compared to what Little Sister overcame. Her shoulders got stuck, pinching the umbilical cord and cutting the oxygen supply from her not-quite-yet-born brain. To do the equivalent, you would have to press your shoulder up into your nose, while a bulldozer on steroids pushes you in a river of blood through your mailbox. (Don't try this at home, folks.)

Thanks to Quick Thinking Doctor, the focused team of nurses, and a well-sharpened pair of scissors, Little Sister is enjoying great suction at the all-night milk bar with no more damage than a limp arm. (That's "brachial plexus injury" in medicalese.) The arm will hopefully recover. Even if it doesn't, we know what the alternative would have been ... and we do not look good in black. Lesson number four is to appreciate what you have rather than worry about what you don't.

The Maternity Ward offers far too many lessons to share with you now. My fatigue is overtaking me. I feel like a wad of gum squished on the asphalt, baked in the sun, and stuck on a motorcycle tire burning rubber on a gravel trail. Ha! Bet you never felt like that in New York, New York.

About The Author

The author is David Leonhardt, The Happy Guy. To receive his satirical happiness column weekly in your inbox, sign up at <a href="http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html" target="_new">http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html</a>

<a href="mailto:Info@TheHappyGuy.com">Info@TheHappyGuy.com</a>

11 Alternative Garden Games

Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come to entertaining your garden party guests? Weary of boring badminton and jarts? Croquet not your style? Then you're in the right spot! Here are games sure to make your next party the hit of the gardening social season!

Icebreakers

Game #1: The Gnat Slap
Equipment required: A garden of any size.
As your guests arrive, invite them for the obligatory 'stroll through the garden'. Tell them they are welcome to slap the gnats but only those gnats annoying another guest; never are they permitted to slap gnats hovering around their own eyes, nose, ears or mouth. The winner is the last guest standing. A great icebreaker!
Game #2: The 3-Legged Butterfly Chase
Equipment required: Rope or wire to bind legs.
This is lots of fun. Tightly bind two guests' legs together to make a three-legged contestant. Then tell them you'll unbind them only after they've captured a butterfly.
Tip: For a longer lasting game, declare the quarry to be a hummingbird.
Game #3: Competitive Weed Pulling
Equipment required: Weeds of any kind.
This is a great game to reward the hard working guest. Entrants don't eat until the entire garden is cleaned of weeds. Winner: The person with the most weeds eats first and most, and so on down the line. This game teaches the rewards of the Puritan work ethic.
Game #4: The Wasp Dodge
Equipment required: More wire for binding, an in-ground wasp nest or two (Yellow Jackets are the best!), a small amount of kerosene.
With hands tightly wired behind their backs, have your players stand in a circle around a wasp nest entrance. Irritate the wasps by sprinkling a little kerosene over the hole and oh, boy! Stand back! Entrants are judged on style, grace, self-defensive acrobatic movements and number of stings.

Games to Play While the Frozen Turkey Cooks on the Charcoal Grill

Game #5: Watch the Lawn Go Dormant
Equipment required: A dry turf.
This is for those guests that had a poor showing in the other games. The winner is the person still awake when the lawn is actually declared dormant.
Game #6: Bobbing for Aquatic Insects
Equipment required: A stagnant water source such as a neglected pool, pond or bucket. Kids love this one!
The winner is whoever come up with the largest water strider. Incentive for the competitively spirited: Anyone bobbing to the bottom retrieving the hapless mouse that slipped in about a month ago qualifies for the National Bobb-Off!
Game #7: Slug Races
Equipment required: A slug for each guest.
We suggest two events: The 4" sprint and the 2-foot marathon. Guests may mark their slugs in any way they wish.
Tip 1: Use an air-horn to signify the start of the races. Slugs are hard of hearing.
Tip 2: Entrants in the "Watch the Lawn Go Dormant" game can play this game simultaneously.
Game #8: Hornet's Nest Pinata
Equipment required: 1 large hornet's nest, a stick long enough to reach the nest, a blindfold.
This game really livens things up after the slower pace of the slug races and helps work off dinner.
Game #9: Blindfolded Lawn Mowing
Equipment required: A power mower and the blindfold from the Hornet's Nest Pinata game if it isn't too bloody.
Everyone loves this sport! One by one guests are blindfolded and told to mow the grass. The winner is the contestant who runs over the fewest trees, shrubs, flowers, pets and other guests. Lotsa laughs!
Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.

Games for After Dark

Game #10: Firefly Shooting
Equipment required: A BB gun for everyone.
After a fun day of activities and food, gather everyone in the center of the garden in a large circle to try their hand at nailing a few fireflies. The winner, and don't expect one, is anyone who actually knocks a lightening bug out of the sky.
Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.
Game #11: Feed the Mosquitos
Equipment required: Go figure.
Play this last game while lingering over "good-byes" in the garden.

When Tom Schneider isn't trying to find new guests to invite to his garden parties, he and his wife Deb are busy with their on-line <a target="_new" href="http://www.windstarembroidery.com/embroidery-design-shop.cfm">machine embroidery design</a> business, <a target="_new" href="http://www.windstarembroidery.com">WindstarEmbroidery.com</a>

Humor Under The Keyboards

For me, the piano is the symbol of what is stiff, proper and elegant. It doesn't have faults, it is perfect. Pianists are the most perfectionist people in the world. They should not and can not make mistakes especially when performing. That is how I viewed the piano and the pianists. But then, I just found out I was wrong. A few researches and I have once again proven that appearances can be deceiving.

The pianists we see play appear to be the most formal and respectable stars on the stage. They hold the power and the breath of the audiences. They could look intimidating in their formal suits not to mention the authority and the air of arrogance they exude while on stage. They can be captivating.

But before we forget, these pianists are also human. And humans do make mistakes. Most of these mistakes can be frustrating and depressing. But then, there are also mistakes that are amusing and could also be totally hilarious. It shows how fun could be inserted even in the most seemingly stuffy and proper event.

Here are some examples:

When asked for their definition of a piano, some famous musicians and musical enthusiasts have some famous replies:

? For David W. Barber (The Musician's Dictionary), a piano is a cumbersome piece of furniture found in many homes, where playing it ensures the early departure of unwanted guests.

? Piano (n.) is a parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience, according to Ambrose Bierce, an American journalist (The Devil's Dictionary).

? A piano tuner is a person employed to come into the home, rearrange the furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner's chief purpose is to ascertain the breaking point of the piano's strings.

Though these definitions may sound humorous, you can never miss the ironies in it. Coming from people who live and breathe the piano, these definitions seem odd.

Here's more ? when asked about their secrets in playing, you would certainly be surprised at how simple their secrets can be, and definitely applicable.

? Australian pianist Artur Schnabel said, &quot;I always make sure that the lid over the keyboard is open before I start to play&quot;.

? &quot;Nothing soothes me more after a long and maddening course of pianoforte recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled&quot;, said George Bernard Shaw, a writer and a music critic.

I definitely agree with Artur Schnabel's top secret! I wonder why George found it relaxing to have his teeth drilled after hearing the pianoforte recitals. Check out more of the piano's funny side:

? Bob Hope, an American comedian commented on fellow comedian Phyllis Diller on her playing the piano: &quot;When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.&quot;

? A band teacher recalled the title of the song &quot;Claire de Lune&quot; played by a student as &quot;Claire de Loonie&quot;.

? The audiences at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note, the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, &quot;If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!&quot;

Now, let's check out some famous questions and answers in the funny world of piano:

? What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor

? What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major

? Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright? Because is makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

? Why was the piano invented? So that the musician would have a place to put his beer.

? Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning? They never struck the same place twice.

? What did they find when they dug up Beethoven's grave? He was decomposing.

? Why did Mozart kill his chicken? Because they always ran around going, &quot;Bach! Bach! Bach!&quot;

? Imagine a singer, a piano player, a bass player and a drummer sitting around the table. Now if you drop a hundred-dollar bill right in the middle and tell them they're free to take it, who's getting it? The piano player. Because the bass player is too slow, for the winger it's too little money and the drummer didn't get the assignment.

Now that we've seen the humor under the keyboards, the piano and the pianists are not as elusive as they seem to be. It is just like discovering a new type of music. The piano and the pianist can take not just the breath out of the audiences but also the laughter as they present not only fine music but terrific humor as well. Having fun is what life is all about.

About The Author

The writer Ismael D. Tabije runs the website <a href="http://pianos.e-mart4all.com" target="_new">http://pianos.e-mart4all.com</a> that markets a wide choice of high-quality digital pianos and accessories at the lowest prices in the online market. Brands sold include Casio, Yamaha, Korg, Kurzweil and Roland. The website also features interesting piano articles about piano humor, trivia, myths and facts and even piano lessons and instructions.

When It Rains, It Pours: Creating a Plan

It's time for me to announce that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there to stop people from stealing my jackets. Some of the skeletons actually wear the jackets so they don't get cold. That may seem strange to people, but never has a skeleton complained to me...

"And what if?" you may be thinking.

"What if what?" I may be thinking back to you.

"What if a skeleton complained?" you may clarify.

Obviously if that were the case, then I'd use my skeleton key to lock the door. There's nothing I hate more than cold or numb skulls complaining to me about the temperature...

Let the truth be known, though, that it is that time of year when the weather can be bad. Like, raining cats and dogs type of bad, but add hamsters and wind to it -- along with a sun that is so strong, it could fry ants with the help of a magnifying glass. A lot of people complain about rain, but they need to put things into perspective and imagine how much worse it'd be if that rain were snot instead. Or maybe tons o' snot, which would be horrifying and a palindrome at the same time...

If this snotfall ever occurs, we need to establish a plan. Since no one else has volunteered, let me be the first:

Plan A: Cover trees with tissues to absorb a lot of the damage.

Plan B: The same as Plan A except without the tissues.

Plan C: Wait until the next Harry Potter book comes out, and then let the people in line cast spells to eliminate the problem.

Plan D: Wait until the next spelling bee, and let the contestants spell "cast" to eliminate the problem.

It may seem like my plan will not contribute to eliminating a major disaster, but it is important that my help ends there. From this point on, all plans will be organized by my skeleton. Make no bones about it...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

When It Rains, It Pours: Creating a Plan

It's time for me to announce that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there to stop people from stealing my jackets. Some of the skeletons actually wear the jackets so they don't get cold. That may seem strange to people, but never has a skeleton complained to me...

"And what if?" you may be thinking.

"What if what?" I may be thinking back to you.

"What if a skeleton complained?" you may clarify.

Obviously if that were the case, then I'd use my skeleton key to lock the door. There's nothing I hate more than cold or numb skulls complaining to me about the temperature...

Let the truth be known, though, that it is that time of year when the weather can be bad. Like, raining cats and dogs type of bad, but add hamsters and wind to it -- along with a sun that is so strong, it could fry ants with the help of a magnifying glass. A lot of people complain about rain, but they need to put things into perspective and imagine how much worse it'd be if that rain were snot instead. Or maybe tons o' snot, which would be horrifying and a palindrome at the same time...

If this snotfall ever occurs, we need to establish a plan. Since no one else has volunteered, let me be the first:

Plan A: Cover trees with tissues to absorb a lot of the damage.

Plan B: The same as Plan A except without the tissues.

Plan C: Wait until the next Harry Potter book comes out, and then let the people in line cast spells to eliminate the problem.

Plan D: Wait until the next spelling bee, and let the contestants spell "cast" to eliminate the problem.

It may seem like my plan will not contribute to eliminating a major disaster, but it is important that my help ends there. From this point on, all plans will be organized by my skeleton. Make no bones about it...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

Bed Bugs Bite

I just turned on the news a minute ago and wondered why there weren't news flashes regarding when -- and perhaps where -- people are turning on the news. Sometimes it is a slow news week, and there's not much to read in Newsweek, so maybe this could take up some space. I think that's how Neptune got there...

What I am really wondering, though, is how bed bugs got their reputation. Don't worry, there is no need to inspect your bed spread, although I heard the spread does improve the taste of toast. But I've been thinking for at least 32 seconds about the history of bed bugs and why they are among the most feared creatures in the world, and possibly in the universe, assuming that other worlds have beds. Think about it. We don't tell people, "Don't let the rabid dogs bite" or "Don't let the spiders bite" unless we're in the White House, in which case all warnings are figurative anyway. Everywhere else the line a person hears before sleeping is "Don't let the bed bugs bite," as if bed bugs are worse than the nightmare the person will likely have anyway...

I feel sorry for that sucker who was actually bitten by a bed bug, because he can't shrug off the warning like the rest of us can. In fact, he's the reason we use the statement to begin with:

Victim: Well, I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Victim's Acquaintance: Be careful in there. You remember what happened the last time you went to bed, right?

Victim: Yeah, yeah, I remember.

Victim's Acquaintance: Well, don't let the bed bugs bite. Not again.

I just hope there's no worldwide phenomenon of people being bitten by all kinds of animals while sleeping, because that's just too many things to list while wishing someone a good night. And just imagine if a person was bitten by a sheep while sleeping. That would throw the whole sleeping process for such a complete loop that we'd all probably just stay awake forever. Think about how stale the Fruit Loops would get...

In between the previous paragraph and this one I decided to take a few minutes to do some research. After all, research can save lives, and the typical reader checks out this column to have his or her life saved -- or maybe it's to read about lime Life Savers. Regardless, I've read that bed bugs are commonly found in homes that have bats in the attic. Now, I know what you're thinking: "That's good to know. I'll go to the attic right away to get rid of those darn bats." But don't act so quickly! Remember: those bats are protecting your old boxes, including your Yahtzee game. So slow down and think before you do something you'll regret in a day or two...

It is said that a room with bed bugs typically has a distinct odor. Furthermore, black spots may be found on sheets, or there may even be small blood stains that are evident. So before you blame your crazy aunt for coming over to your house and leaving a trail of her own blood, understand that she probably never made it past the attic after her entrance through the chimney. The same applies to Santa Claus, I'd imagine...

Since bed bugs are nocturnal, they hide in dark places during the day before feeding at night. Placing glow-sticks all over your house, so that there is no dark crevice, will assure that these creatures will seek a house more conducive to their ways, although this other house is probably not nearly as well-decorated. Realize that bed bugs feed on wild birds, in addition to domestic animals, bats, and humans. So pretending to be a wild bird all day isn't your best escape, unless you are a wild bird, in which case it's good you aren't afraid to be yourself. And I thank you, wild bird, for reading...

Bed bugs are most commonly found in old rooms and hotels, as well as in places which are considered unsanitary. Something tells me, though, that if you are living somewhere unsanitary, you have other issues besides bed bugs, such as the fact that you are sleeping in your own filth. This aside, the best way to not let the bed bugs bite, wherever you live, seems to be ignoring their existence. When they hear, "Don't let the bed bugs bite," their obvious reaction will be one of the following:

a) Hey, they're acknowledging us, but in a negative way. Let's go do some serious biting.

b) I hope no one has caught on to our Yahtzee fetish in the attic, especially those darn bats.

So by not giving the warning, and using some other bedtime greeting instead, you're saving yourself in the process. You see, the purpose of this column is not to stop you from getting a good night's sleep, because we all know that's what fire trucks and crickets are for. Instead, please take this column as a warning that bed bugs do exist, and you know what? They're a lot like news flashes. That's right -- they come when you're watching late-night television, and they leave you with an empty feeling after they take some of your blood. Yes, exactly like news flashes, yes...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com"http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com/a>)

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-13-05

Dear Poor Rix: A guy just invited me to a football game. I do not understand this event. Can you explain it? -- Sport Watcher

This game begins with the entrance of referees, people with striped shirts who enforce the rules. Occasionally, someone with striped shirt and long stick may appear, and wander aimlessly. He is a &quot;lost golfer,&quot; and must be removed.

Next come the cheerleaders, who bounce onto the field, often displaying skimpy uniforms and bare midriffs. And those are just the guys.

The girls look even better, and may wave their massive pom-poms to excite the crowd. (We'll discuss pom-poms another time.)

Then comes the team &quot;mascot,&quot; often a farm animal, or a human dressed like one. Mascot uniforms are sometimes very silly, and not appropriate wearing apparel for, say, a wedding.

Next come two teams that wear different colors, plus a helmet to hide their identities from the opponents they'll tackle later. For the next three hours each squad tries to go from one end of the field to the other.

Pay attention to the quarterback, who controls the football. Sometimes he throws it to a teammate (a &quot;pass&quot;). Sometimes he hands it to somebody (a &quot;handoff&quot;).

And occasionally he may tiptoe to the sidelines, and give some cheerleader a big, wet kiss. This is called the &quot;quarterback sneak.&quot;

There's more to tell, Sport Watcher, but I gotta go. On TV, they're about to show a &quot;quarterback sneak&quot; instant replay.

Poor Rix offers bad answers to good questions. Contact him at rixquinn@charter.net.

Rix authored the recent writing book "Words That Stick." It's available from <a target="_new" href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1580085768/qid/">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1580085768/qid/</a>

For details on his weekly column, call him directly at 817-920-7999.

11 Alternative Garden Games

Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come to entertaining your garden party guests? Weary of boring badminton and jarts? Croquet not your style? Then you're in the right spot! Here are games sure to make your next party the hit of the gardening social season!

Icebreakers

Game #1: The Gnat Slap
Equipment required: A garden of any size.
As your guests arrive, invite them for the obligatory 'stroll through the garden'. Tell them they are welcome to slap the gnats but only those gnats annoying another guest; never are they permitted to slap gnats hovering around their own eyes, nose, ears or mouth. The winner is the last guest standing. A great icebreaker!
Game #2: The 3-Legged Butterfly Chase
Equipment required: Rope or wire to bind legs.
This is lots of fun. Tightly bind two guests' legs together to make a three-legged contestant. Then tell them you'll unbind them only after they've captured a butterfly.
Tip: For a longer lasting game, declare the quarry to be a hummingbird.
Game #3: Competitive Weed Pulling
Equipment required: Weeds of any kind.
This is a great game to reward the hard working guest. Entrants don't eat until the entire garden is cleaned of weeds. Winner: The person with the most weeds eats first and most, and so on down the line. This game teaches the rewards of the Puritan work ethic.
Game #4: The Wasp Dodge
Equipment required: More wire for binding, an in-ground wasp nest or two (Yellow Jackets are the best!), a small amount of kerosene.
With hands tightly wired behind their backs, have your players stand in a circle around a wasp nest entrance. Irritate the wasps by sprinkling a little kerosene over the hole and oh, boy! Stand back! Entrants are judged on style, grace, self-defensive acrobatic movements and number of stings.

Games to Play While the Frozen Turkey Cooks on the Charcoal Grill

Game #5: Watch the Lawn Go Dormant
Equipment required: A dry turf.
This is for those guests that had a poor showing in the other games. The winner is the person still awake when the lawn is actually declared dormant.
Game #6: Bobbing for Aquatic Insects
Equipment required: A stagnant water source such as a neglected pool, pond or bucket. Kids love this one!
The winner is whoever come up with the largest water strider. Incentive for the competitively spirited: Anyone bobbing to the bottom retrieving the hapless mouse that slipped in about a month ago qualifies for the National Bobb-Off!
Game #7: Slug Races
Equipment required: A slug for each guest.
We suggest two events: The 4" sprint and the 2-foot marathon. Guests may mark their slugs in any way they wish.
Tip 1: Use an air-horn to signify the start of the races. Slugs are hard of hearing.
Tip 2: Entrants in the "Watch the Lawn Go Dormant" game can play this game simultaneously.
Game #8: Hornet's Nest Pinata
Equipment required: 1 large hornet's nest, a stick long enough to reach the nest, a blindfold.
This game really livens things up after the slower pace of the slug races and helps work off dinner.
Game #9: Blindfolded Lawn Mowing
Equipment required: A power mower and the blindfold from the Hornet's Nest Pinata game if it isn't too bloody.
Everyone loves this sport! One by one guests are blindfolded and told to mow the grass. The winner is the contestant who runs over the fewest trees, shrubs, flowers, pets and other guests. Lotsa laughs!
Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.

Games for After Dark

Game #10: Firefly Shooting
Equipment required: A BB gun for everyone.
After a fun day of activities and food, gather everyone in the center of the garden in a large circle to try their hand at nailing a few fireflies. The winner, and don't expect one, is anyone who actually knocks a lightening bug out of the sky.
Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.
Game #11: Feed the Mosquitos
Equipment required: Go figure.
Play this last game while lingering over "good-byes" in the garden.

When Tom Schneider isn't trying to find new guests to invite to his garden parties, he and his wife Deb are busy with their on-line <a target="_new" href="http://www.windstarembroidery.com/embroidery-design-shop.cfm">machine embroidery design</a> business, <a target="_new" href="http://www.windstarembroidery.com">WindstarEmbroidery.com</a>

Cloning Advantage Super Families

As the cloning debate of humankind continues we find ourselves in an interesting predicament. We see the need of self to extend past one's own lifetime as an innate characteristic; self-preservation has always been one of mankind's greatest drivers of motivation. World Religions in their haste to rally group support and social order amongst the masses have in fact been able to capitalize on this to a large degree, purposing the idea of eternal salvation for a promise of the individual in this life time to do as they are told and live their life in a certain way. That certain way includes among other things; not upsetting the current hierarchy of power. Human Beings obviously have questions which need to be answered such as; How did I get here, How did all this begin, what happens to me when I die and what will happen to the entirety of all I see in the end, when will it all end. World Religions can use these needs of the individual to know such things as a lever to control their psyche, by carefully answering all those questions in some sort of believable and yet un-provable way. Of course over time as more scientific light is shed on various subjects these religions must adapt their story line a bit to keep all the believers buying the storyline. Most of the most successful religions have done a good job of using vague comments on the answers so that they are able to adapt over time.

As the language changes they can revert back to the old definitions, adopt the new ones, take a broader interpretation in a non-literal sense or stick with a fundamentalist exact reading. Often different groups in different regions or cultures may adopt all of these methods. Similar to our laws, where you as an individual can do anything you wish provided you have the right lawyer to re-interpret the law, use the letter of the law, use case law on either side to shed light on the grayness of the law. In the end all truth is relative from the perspective of the individual, judge or jury you see? Why is this important? What does this have to do with Cloning? Well simple, those against cloning are generally fundamentalist in thinking or they simply cannot comprehend the benefits or short falls which cloning might cause and therefore have sided with the fundamentalists views as a fall back position.

Cloning has some serious advantages in that genetically speaking those who at first can afford to clone will come from men of means or of wealth. Having more than one of you might be an incredible leg up on the world no doubt. Many people with similar vision and skills will be able to do more with less and further ones efforts in society, business, leadership positions, etc. If entire family units are made up of those who are cloned, who pool resources they will in fact do better than families who are not working together so closely and are not cloned, lack the discipline of a purposeful and united vision or are diffused as each sets out into the world to make their way. Which is generally the case in America. Where we train our young to go out into the world get a college degree and go work for large companies or other families who own businesses and corporations. Those other families and their accumulated teams, corporations, networked groups and families thus use those who wish to make a name for themselves the opportunity to advance within a new family, the corporation. For this the rising young star can be highly compensated or economically enslaved if they fail to meet expectations of the whole of the family, corporation or it's shareholders.

This of course we already know. As we watch the classic fight between union and company and the fights of corporations and families from many different countries work together at times and then duke it out in the market place at others, often enlisting government to tilt the field in their favor long enough to level another blow to their competitor. Meanwhile the young new entrant into the economic minded family is barraged with a number of decisions as to what they want out of their personal life for fulfillment as they sift through the mixed messages of advertising, peer pressure, religious doctrines, governmental rallied nationalism or attraction of a mate.

The capitalist or founding families of the companies or those heavily leveraged in its' outcome and success reap from these efforts along with the individual rising star or up and coming if they are to treat their efforts and dedication the same way with the same convictions. This is done by incentives, stock options, golden handcuffs, great titles, social status and money, perceived wealth and/or the ability to further leverage future earnings through borrowing from credit unions and banks to live at a higher standard of living or in a belief system of quality of life and arrival to a new plateau in ones career? Is this good or bad? Well it just is and this need of the individual is balanced around the needs of the corporation. Again why is this important to cloning? Well in cloning those who are cloned can serve the needs of the individual advancement within the group in a way never before possible outside the close run wealthy class families.

At first cloning will only be available to those who have the capacity to pay for it and only those who have out of country hideaways to do it, since the entire socio-economic models of capitalism currently in place in most countries might be in jeopardy as those with the capital could lose their power to those with the greatest number of inter-related family clones. In many countries we have extremely powerful groups of families and in some cases one family in control of the entire country, the people of these countries are allowed enough latitude of freedom as long as they perform for helping in the system. Those who do not go along with these pre-agreed upon methods are killed, exiled, leave, made slaves or are sent to prison. Those in charge continue to make sure they also rule over the form of government in such a way, which keeps them in power, wouldn't you? If your answer is no and you are benevolent by nature, it would not take you very long to convert.

We need to be thinking if we are ready for a paradigm shift which might change the balance of power of Corporations by creating Super Families of Clones. Think about it.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

Do Americans Really Understand Irony?

Let me start by saying that 'I am an American' Ok, there I have admitted it. But let me go on to make myself slightly more unpopular by suggesting that our American society does present us with a range of valuable and positive aspects. (no ? I am not being ironic yet) Before you stop reading, let me counter that by suggesting what I see as the greatest fault of our modern society. A self absorbed US-centric attitude? A destructive ill conceived foreign policy that is destroying our reputation across the globe? No, neither of these. In my opinion the greatest tragedy is the lack of widespread irony in our daily lives and conversations.

So what is irony? Let me start by explaining the concept, so that at least my fellow Americans can understand the idea even if they do not get it. Merriam Webster Dictionary (http://www.m-w.com) provides several definitions, with the following providing a succinct and accurate explanation: &quot;the use of words to express something other than (and especially) the opposite of the literal meaning. So if I trip over and say 'Gee ? I'm co-ordinated today', that would be an example of irony. The act of falling over is opposite to the literal words. I have used this example, because some of you may be thinking 'Hang on, but isn't that the same as sarcasm?' I could of course answer by saying 'Gee- aren't you clever today', but I will stick to the shorter answer of 'no'.

Although I have provided a single definition of irony above, there are in fact several forms of irony. Sadly, for those people who mix and match these concepts ? sarcasm is not one of these forms. The difficulty is that sarcasm is 'usually' said in an ironic way, but this is not always the case. In short, it is possible to have either sarcasm or irony without having the other. Going back to my original example where I fell over, if you had mocked me and said 'Gee ? you're co-ordinated today', that would be sarcastic because of the scornful snigger. But as you will remember from above it is also defined as irony. However, if you had mocked my poor mishap by saying 'Gee ? aren't you unco-ordinated', then you will have lost the touch of irony and simply descended to the lowest form of wit ? sarcasm. (For a further explanation of the difference between these two concepts see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Irony#Irony_vs_Sarcasm)

So in essence irony can be misunderstood as sarcasm because the two concepts do overlap. Sarcasm must have the mocking or sneering tone, and the confusion therefore arises because so often sarcasm occurs when making ironic statements which are positive when clearly something negative is intended. Just to be confusing, I note the potential for both parody and satire to incorporate both irony and sarcasm for even greater effect. (http://www.modern-masterpieces.com)

So, do Americans really not understand irony? It would seem unlikely given its close connection with sarcasm, but still possible. It is true that many English comedians find the American circuit more difficult for this very reason. The fact that irony is used to different effect in the US does not mean that it is not used to significant and striking purpose.

The world wide success of shows like The Simpsons and Seinfeld is partially attributed to their fantastic use of irony. These shows both allow ironic humor to seep out, in stark contrast to the more traditional comedy setups of so many American sitcoms, which are far more gag focussed.

To conclude this section of self congratulatory praise for how us Americans DO actually understand and use irony, I note the two (American) Golden Globes awarded to the very ironic English sitcom The Office (http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice).

What is that you say? The Globes are voted for by Hollywood's foreign press too, and this is likely to have been a big influence, especially given the relatively small scale success of the show in America. Ok, a fair comment I guess. But secondly, and far more distressingly, The Office has been remade for the US market. So, firstly we heap accolades on this fine piece of television and then we deconstruct it, de-irony it, Americanise it and repackage it. Perfect! I think the whole argument could be lost on this sad point alone.

Do not distress however, the surge of irony is coming, and will not be stopped. It has been said that Americans take themselves too seriously to drop irony into everyday conversations. Well, there is little doubt in my mind that this is changing. Lines from shows such as The Simpsons are being copied and used by millions of children across this great land, and slowly but surely the old gags that amused former generations will give way to this higher form of humor ? 'irony'.

Well, I think that cleared up issue - not!

Biography:

Michael Watson studied English Literature at University, where he gained an interest in literary criticism particularly relating to drama and prose fiction. Michael has more recently focussed on genres of literature and literary techniques. As a side interest Michael manages <a target="_new" href="http://www.thedreaminterpreter.com">http://www.thedreaminterpreter.com</a>

Bibliography:

<a target="_new" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Irony#Irony_vs_Sarcasm</a>

<a target="_new" href="http://www.modern-masterpieces.com">http://www.modern-masterpieces.com</a>

The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players

Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst jokes of all time about piano players. Nothing personal, you understand, since I am one. But a little comic relief laughing at ourselves is good for both our soul and our humility.

So without further ado, here are some of the all time worst piano jokes in descending order:

10. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric piano have in common.

Answer: Both suck when you plug them in.

9. What does a piano player dream about?

Answer: Sheet music.

8. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

Answer: A flat minor.

7. What's the difference between a piano accompanianist and a terrorist?

Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

6. How do you make a million dollars playing the piano? Answer: Start with two million.

5. How do you get two piano players to play in perfect unison?

Answer: Shoot one.

4. Did you hear about the piano player who played in rhythm?

Answer: Neither did I.

3. What's the difference between a piano and an onion?

Answer: No one cries when you chop up a piano.

2. What did the piano player get on his IQ test?

Answer: Drool.

1. What's the difference between a medium pizza and a piano player?

Answer: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Pretty bad, eh?

I agree. Now let's all get back to our piano practicing.

PS: None of these lousy jokes are original with me -- they have been around for ages in many forms.

Desiree Bruyere is a free-lance writer and amateur piano player who plays jazz & pop piano strictly for the love of it. She takes piano lessons online and on DVD from her native France, and got started by taking the free 2-year online course in <a target="_new" href="http://www.playpiano.com/">http://www.playpiano.com/</a> Secrets of Exciting Piano Chords & Sizzling Chord Progressions</a> offered worldwide, then later took the <a target="_new" href="http://www.pianolessonsbyvideo.com/">http://www.pianolessonsbyvideo.com/</a>Crash Course In Exciting Piano Playing For Adults</a>

Cloning Advantage Super Families

As the cloning debate of humankind continues we find ourselves in an interesting predicament. We see the need of self to extend past one's own lifetime as an innate characteristic; self-preservation has always been one of mankind's greatest drivers of motivation. World Religions in their haste to rally group support and social order amongst the masses have in fact been able to capitalize on this to a large degree, purposing the idea of eternal salvation for a promise of the individual in this life time to do as they are told and live their life in a certain way. That certain way includes among other things; not upsetting the current hierarchy of power. Human Beings obviously have questions which need to be answered such as; How did I get here, How did all this begin, what happens to me when I die and what will happen to the entirety of all I see in the end, when will it all end. World Religions can use these needs of the individual to know such things as a lever to control their psyche, by carefully answering all those questions in some sort of believable and yet un-provable way. Of course over time as more scientific light is shed on various subjects these religions must adapt their story line a bit to keep all the believers buying the storyline. Most of the most successful religions have done a good job of using vague comments on the answers so that they are able to adapt over time.

As the language changes they can revert back to the old definitions, adopt the new ones, take a broader interpretation in a non-literal sense or stick with a fundamentalist exact reading. Often different groups in different regions or cultures may adopt all of these methods. Similar to our laws, where you as an individual can do anything you wish provided you have the right lawyer to re-interpret the law, use the letter of the law, use case law on either side to shed light on the grayness of the law. In the end all truth is relative from the perspective of the individual, judge or jury you see? Why is this important? What does this have to do with Cloning? Well simple, those against cloning are generally fundamentalist in thinking or they simply cannot comprehend the benefits or short falls which cloning might cause and therefore have sided with the fundamentalists views as a fall back position.

Cloning has some serious advantages in that genetically speaking those who at first can afford to clone will come from men of means or of wealth. Having more than one of you might be an incredible leg up on the world no doubt. Many people with similar vision and skills will be able to do more with less and further ones efforts in society, business, leadership positions, etc. If entire family units are made up of those who are cloned, who pool resources they will in fact do better than families who are not working together so closely and are not cloned, lack the discipline of a purposeful and united vision or are diffused as each sets out into the world to make their way. Which is generally the case in America. Where we train our young to go out into the world get a college degree and go work for large companies or other families who own businesses and corporations. Those other families and their accumulated teams, corporations, networked groups and families thus use those who wish to make a name for themselves the opportunity to advance within a new family, the corporation. For this the rising young star can be highly compensated or economically enslaved if they fail to meet expectations of the whole of the family, corporation or it's shareholders.

This of course we already know. As we watch the classic fight between union and company and the fights of corporations and families from many different countries work together at times and then duke it out in the market place at others, often enlisting government to tilt the field in their favor long enough to level another blow to their competitor. Meanwhile the young new entrant into the economic minded family is barraged with a number of decisions as to what they want out of their personal life for fulfillment as they sift through the mixed messages of advertising, peer pressure, religious doctrines, governmental rallied nationalism or attraction of a mate.

The capitalist or founding families of the companies or those heavily leveraged in its' outcome and success reap from these efforts along with the individual rising star or up and coming if they are to treat their efforts and dedication the same way with the same convictions. This is done by incentives, stock options, golden handcuffs, great titles, social status and money, perceived wealth and/or the ability to further leverage future earnings through borrowing from credit unions and banks to live at a higher standard of living or in a belief system of quality of life and arrival to a new plateau in ones career? Is this good or bad? Well it just is and this need of the individual is balanced around the needs of the corporation. Again why is this important to cloning? Well in cloning those who are cloned can serve the needs of the individual advancement within the group in a way never before possible outside the close run wealthy class families.

At first cloning will only be available to those who have the capacity to pay for it and only those who have out of country hideaways to do it, since the entire socio-economic models of capitalism currently in place in most countries might be in jeopardy as those with the capital could lose their power to those with the greatest number of inter-related family clones. In many countries we have extremely powerful groups of families and in some cases one family in control of the entire country, the people of these countries are allowed enough latitude of freedom as long as they perform for helping in the system. Those who do not go along with these pre-agreed upon methods are killed, exiled, leave, made slaves or are sent to prison. Those in charge continue to make sure they also rule over the form of government in such a way, which keeps them in power, wouldn't you? If your answer is no and you are benevolent by nature, it would not take you very long to convert.

We need to be thinking if we are ready for a paradigm shift which might change the balance of power of Corporations by creating Super Families of Clones. Think about it.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

Marines Dont Take Crap

<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">We live in a world of widgets. People manufacture, distribute, and sell them. You name it, they're doing it. I have a friend who is a toilet paper salesman. God bless him. It's an honorable job and my butt and I give him a two ply thumbs up thank you butt it's not something I, personally, could ever do-do.
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">I have a friend who told me once that the litmus test for taking a job is if you meet a girl and you're embarrassed to tell her what you do for a living then you probably shouldn't be doing it.
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">Let me tell you about a career choice I was never embarrassed to tell girls about, the Marines. Make no mistake. The Marines are a business. We manufacture the world's finest fighting force, and distribute them worldwide to sell Democracy. If we have to, we'll kick their you know what, provide toilet paper to wipe their butts, and not even take their names because we wouldn't even know how to pronounce them.
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">The enemy usually needs toilet paper when we get through with them because when they see the Marines land we usually scare the crap out of them. What can I say? War stinks!
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">There's a lot of things Marines do that stink. We don't like it and complain that it's not what we signed up to do.
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">We joined the military to see the world but all we end up seeing is bad weather and bad attitudes. So we say, &quot;If I wanted to deal with this merde I'd have taken a summer vacation in hell or a winter vacation in France. The Germans spanked them, we had to save their butts, and now they're little ungrateful terds.
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">I'd love to see a recruiter now. &quot;You'll get to travel the world.&quot; Let's see, where I could have gone in the last ten years, Somalia, Afghanistan, Bosnia, and Baghdad. Wow, can you throw in a free trip to Liberia?
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">It's hard to tell a service member that the grass is never greener on the other side because the places are young men and women go usually don't have grass but war has some positives. For instance, it educates the American people. If you asked most Americans what the capital of South Dakota was they'd say, &quot;I don't know.&quot; If you asked them the capital of Afghanistan they'd say, &quot;That's easy, Kabul.&quot;
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">They also learn geometry too, hello Sunni Triangle. The only problem is in a few years they might make the mistake of trying to book a vacation to the Sunny Triangle because they heard it was, to use the parlance of our times, &quot;The bomb.&quot;
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">Marines actually have to go to these sewer holes. They have to live there and survive and it is no joke to them or their families but they love it. I used to get a kick out of Marines who said, &quot;This is the hardest job in the world. You never sleep and when you do it's in the dirt; you get to go hiking, with a 100 pound rucksack on your back, and you get paid to visit areas of the world you'd never pay money to go on vacation to see, but it's the greatest job in the world. You'll love it.&quot;
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">Make no mistake, Marines love their jobs and as you probably know, are &quot;The Few, The Proud.&quot; Marines are prouder then game roosters and meaner then cocks. If the Marines made toilet paper it would be two ply steal plates in order to cover their butts when they use the head.
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">Being is a Marine is a dirty job but the best part of it is that we don't take crap from anyone. Every young man and woman should do a stint. If you're interested, go down to your local recruiter and put your signature on a piece of paper, preferably one ply.
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">

Michael P. Westhead is the founder of <A target="_new" href="http://www.cutthroatcomedy.com">www.cutthroatcomedy.com</A> which features original quotes, jokes, cartoons, products, and articles focusing on politics, current events and life in general.

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of &quot;Appeal&quot;?

A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know they're boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.

Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with <a target="_new" href="http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com">http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com</a> and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.

Freudian Slippage

Saturday morning. I went, in the early morning, to the farmer's market to get our supply of fruits and veggies, leaving Sandra to sleep in. I have strolled up and down, stopping at various vendors to buy the things that appeal to me today and my 2 bags are bulging. This is a process I always enjoy.

The noise of the vendors extolling the virtues of their produce; the smells and colors, the relaxed and friendly camaraderie of both buyers and sellers all add up to produce an atmosphere of good vibrations.

As I pass one vegetable stall for the 2nd time, the lady asks, "Can I help you darlin?"

"Tomatoes." I reply.

"Nope, taint none dis week. Try some ohbahjeans"

"Pardon me?" I reply.

"What for? You done somefin wrong already so early in da day?" she says.

"Probably," I respond, "but what I meant is: -- I did not catch what you said."

"Ohbahjeans. Try some. Plenty good. Good for you too." she waves her hand to the left. My eye follows.

Aha! Eggplant. Aubergine. I catch on. They do look good. She has both kinds, the white ones and the purple ones. "Ok, sure, I'll take some of the purple ones. "

"Not purple, honey, dey black like me. Dey full and firm an taste mighty fine too, jus like me."

Even after living ten years in the Caribbean, the everyday casual ribald humor still surprises me occasionally and I am never quite sure how to respond.

In my haste to hopefully change the subject, I blurt out "I see you also have some zucchini. Too bad you have no tomatoes. I could make some ratatouille."

She immediately comes back with, "You come home wit me sweetie and we make somefin mighty fine wit da zucchini and ohbahjean. You don't need no young tomato. Dey not ripe yet."

The lady at the next stand is chuckling and I am blushing the color of my missing tomatoes.

"Ooh boy, you in trouble now," exclaims the lady next door, "Her eggplant mess up many man 'fore you."

"Well, I'd better just take some eggplant home to cook up later," I say, hoping to extricate myself from further embarrassment.

"Honey, you always eat at home, you missin out on some fine island dinin," explains my saucy purveyor of aubergines.

"You bes be careful," counters her neighbor, "you eat in her kitchen, you maybe not go home."

I am in over my head. I can only smile and play the bemused straight man to their comedy tag team.

"How do you suggest these eggplant be cooked?" I ask, resigned to setting myself up for more.

"Bes to cook em up slow n easy, wit plenty a spice." answers my vendor, " hot n juicy is da way dey done best."

"Maybe da man ina hurry," enjoins her partner, "if'n he's extra hungry dis morning, fry em up fast, den givem a second helpin."

"He not dat young; he know a good meal take time to do right ," rejoins the first.

"You ladies are too good for me. I'll just take half a dozen eggplants and go home," I answer.

She gives me 8. "Man always want more than he ask for first time," she tells me with a wicked smile.

"I suppose that'd be true," I say, as I pay. "Thank you."

"You come again anytime honey." she tells me as I walk away.

"Desmond has a barrow in the marketplace
Molly is the singer in a band
Desmond say to Molly, girl I like your face
And Molly says this as she takes him be the hand...

Ohbahjean, ob-la-da,
Life goes on, bra
La la how the life goes on
Ob-la-di, ob-la-da
Life goes on, bra
La la how the life goes on
And if you want some fun
take Ob-la-di-bla-da"

echo the Beatles in my head as I drive home.

"Moussaka for dinner tonight by candlelight," I tell Sandra when I get home.

? Leslie Fieger. All rights reserved worldwide.

Leslie is the author of The DELFIN Knowledge System Trilogy: The Initiation, The Journey and The Quest plus many more success publications. He also the co-author of The End of the World with Hugh Jeffries and Alexandra's DragonFire with his daughter Ashley. Subscribe to his free and ad-free eZine at <a target="_new" href="http://www.ProsperityParadigm.com">http://www.ProsperityParadigm.com</a> or <a target="_new" href="http://www.LeslieFieger.com">http://www.LeslieFieger.com</a>

Reprinting and republishing of these articles is granted only with the above credit included. Permission to reprint or republish does not waive any copyright.

New Orleans First to Experience Housing Bubble Burst

Are we starting to see the Housing Bubble Burst in the wake of Hurricane Katrina? In New Orleans many homeowner's had their equity literally washed away. They are upside down in negative equity and basically underwater. It appears that the New Orleans Housing marker has gone down the drain. New Orleans experienced significant growth in the past year, prices had increased; many had taken out second loans to pay off credit car debt, which helped fuel the economy there. Relatively few need their credit cards for recent shopping sprees, as they just broke in with a little help from their friends and took those few items they needed for survival. You know like a; Surround-A-Sound System, with HDTV, 64&quot; Flat Panel Display to watch your favorite local team the Saints.

Yes the market is flooded with homes for sale in the City New Orleans indeed. Some of these fine homes are not only very cheap now, but they come with the former residents still inside. The local economic development association director issues a recent statement that he and his staff are very optimistic about the future of the New Orleans real estate and that they do not see a dry period in the housing market there. In addition they indicated that New Orleans has a lot going for it; water rates are cheap with an abundant supply and sewage is not a problem also quite abundant. But that is not all. They touted their many shopping districts with rock bottom prices, so low in fact it was almost like stealing and the city at this point is not even charging sales tax, almost like a duty free shopping spree. Crime and community services are also not a problem and are both abundant and non-existent. Transportation is not a problem there is virtually no traffic at all. Think about the New Orleans housing market, get in on the ground floor while prices are cheap.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

Fried Green Tomatoes Recipe

My next-door neighbors found a human bone in their backyard. Let me rephrase. She thinks she found a human bone. They were putting up a fence in their backyard. They've been digging and shoveling and leveling posts. I unloaded some boards to be a Mister-Rogers-kind-of-neighbor. And she was still talking about the human bone she'd shown me the day before.

I was walking down the driveway, and she called me over to look at the bone. &quot;Don't you think it's a human bone?&quot; she asked.

I put my foot on it and rolled it around, inspecting each side. It's about the size of a small child's bone. I took my foot off it and said in jest, &quot;You should call the authorities. Tell them you found a human bone.&quot;

We both stood over it, looking at it, concocting our own beliefs about the bone.

&quot;You really think I should?&quot; she asked. The whole scene had my neighbor talking in a high-pitched voice.

Now I'm not an expert on human bones. I've never set eyes on them. I saw a picture of them the other night on Desperate Housewives. Somebody cut that woman up and put her in that trunk that floated to the top in some lake on the set of the show. So this was a first for me. I could tell it was a bone. Some kind of a bone.

If it were me, I'd pitch the thing in the trash. I wasn't ready to call Cold Case and have that blonde-headed chick come out to put us all under surveillance. Ask us twenty questions. &quot;How long have you lived next door, Mr. Stofel?&quot; Then she would investigate my boring life.

To pursue something like this is to invite too much drama into your life. They'll bring in a backhoe. Close off my driveway. Keep me from getting any work done with all the noise going on outside my window. It just makes your backyard seem like a graveyard. Then you get to worrying about the house. You'll start hearing footsteps on the boards or a heart beating beneath the floorboards like in that Edgar Allan Poe short story, &quot;The Tell-Tale Heart.&quot; Remember the story? The narrator kills the old man because his pale blue eye, like a vulture's eye, is driving him insane. Everywhere he turns there's that eye, until finally he can't take it anymore. He inches his way into the old man's room each night until he finally springs on the old man who shrieks. The narrator throws the mattress over him. Suffocating him. Waiting for his last heartbeat. It happens. Then he dismembers him, like that body in Desperate Housewives. He raises the three planks of the floor of the chamber. The old man is gone. Elation.

Then a knock upon the door. Three policeman stand at his door. A terrible shriek coming from his house has been reported. But the narrator fears nothing. He's performed the perfect crime. He throws open the house. Slings his arms into every room. They are satisfied that it was indeed the narrator yelling in his sleep. The police pull up chairs and chat.

At first it's exhilarating for the narrator. He's getting away with murder. Then it gets old. They will not go away. And it isn't because they are suspicious. They're not. Just tired. Just feel like talking. But this is when the heart begins to beat beneath the three planks, up under the three policeman's feet. But they cannot hear it, only the narrator hears the sound of the heart beating from beneath the three planks. He starts talking in a crazy, idiotic way-his voice reaching crescendos. But the heart beats above the sound of his voice. Louder and louder. Until the man cannot stand it any longer. And he pulls up the boards and reveals the old man's corpse.

The narrator shrieks, &quot;Villains! . . . dissemble no more! I admit the deed!-tear up the planks! here, here!-It is the beating of his hideous heart!&quot;

Maybe I'm taking my neighbor's archeological dig too far. But it got me to thinking about Edgar Allan Poe and that zany story, and about how it bleeds into my story. I'm that way. Everything bleeds into a story for me. We are stories. You and I. Stories.

So, as I said, it got me to thinking about my own heart. How it was hidden beneath the floor, inside this skin and bones that the Apostle Paul calls &quot;the old man.&quot; That old sinful nature inside.

I thought about how my heart was the first thing to respond to God on that day in a 1,000-member church. And the wild thing is-the evangelist speaking that day-he heard my heart. It must have been beating in his ears the way the heart beat in the ears of Poe's narrator.

Louder and louder it thumped, as if a low-rider was sitting at the red light at the corner with the bass thumping against the moment. It beat in his ears until he couldn't stand it anymore, and the evangelist shrieked, &quot;Someone here; your heart is about to beat out of your chest. You need to get up and come down here to the altar and give your beating heart to Christ.&quot; I can remember his words like a mantra, even after twenty-three years. Word for word. True story.

And it freaked me out. I was new to all of this church stuff. I went to church as a small child, but I can't tell you anything about it. I can't remember much before I was ten. But I can remember what that man said to me at the age of eighteen.

I could relate to him somewhere deep inside my soul, underneath the three planks of the chamber. My heart beat. It pounded. Louder and louder. So I jumped up, went down to the altar, and shrieked, &quot;I am the one with the beating heart. Me, this heart. It beats. I did it.&quot;

Of course, we are all guilty. We killed the most precious thing. The One thing. The One heart that took its last beat here, only to come back and beat inside everyone who listens. Louder and louder. And with each beat a new beginning for some poor soul whose heart has taken its last beat here, only to utter his first eternal hello there.

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My wife told me Bonnie buried the bone a couple of weeks ago. Put it back in the ground behind her house. I figured that was the end of it. Then Lee called this week and said, &quot;Go to your backdoor, Bonnie has something for you.&quot;

So I did as told. I went to the backdoor and Bonnie was walking across the driveway we share. She had a basket with something inside. I could see right off that supper was mine. I even grinned. I just happened to be starving at the moment.

And she held out this basket with a good ole' southern smile and said, &quot;We had some extra barbeque ribs. It's Lee's secret recipe.&quot;

&quot;You've got to be kidding me! This will be a feast. Thank you.&quot;

She smiled and turned to cross the driveway. And man, were they good! Succulent. I'd eat them every night of the week and die of hardened arteries. I wouldn't care. I was so excited about receiving them that I even thought about becoming a Bo Bice fan.

Then I got to thinking about that bone she found in her backyard, the bone I was telling you about a couple of weeks ago. Well, I got to thinking maybe they'd cooked up some secret recipe all right. Secret meat that used to be on that bone she found. You know it happened in that movie, Fried Green Tomatoes. They killed that man, chopped him up, made barbeque out of him, and fed him to that Georgia detective, who told Big George that it was the best barbecue he'd ever eaten, and asked him what his secret was. And Big George smiled and said, &quot;Thank you, suh, I'd have to say the secret's in the sauce.&quot;

And I was thinking, I hope they aren't feeding me a dead person.

The neighbors even found a grave marker in the backyard to go along with the bone. No lie. First came the bone, and then this grave marker appeared. This is where they said the bone must've come from. Said it may have been a soldier in the Civil War. They had my attention. It was some kind of white stone with a rough texture. It had three initials on it-W.C.P. I know because she had it leaning against the back of her house and called me over to look at it. Sure enough, it was a grave marker. And sure enough, it could be a Confederate soldier. General Hood, the Confederate general and full-time sot, took his men across the Tennessee River near Decatur on his way to get all those boys killed in the Battle of Franklin. So it could be a Civil War man. Or it could be they are setting me up. Making me think it was a Civil War man.

They could've bought that grave marker at a yard sale. She's big into yard sales anyway. She bought a butcher's block at a yard sale today. I saw her tugging on it, trying to get it out of the back of her truck. I just happened to be walking out the backdoor. I swear I don't spy. I ain't a nosy neighbor, but like I said, she was trying to lift it out of the truck, and when I asked her if she needed help she said, &quot;Naw, I got it.&quot; Then she said, &quot;It's a butcher's block. I bought it at a yard sale for $3.00.&quot;

I was thinking, That's an awful big butcher's block. She had both hands gripping it and she was straining a bit to carry it in the backdoor. I was also thinking, What's she going to cut up? A whole cow? Then I remembered the bone and grave marker. It was all coming together. She's Jeffery Dahmer's sister or something. I pictured her in her kitchen with a detached arm on that butcher's block. Freezer bags to the left of her and a knife in one hand, while the other hand on that arm's hand. Then I remembered the ribs. I figured I'd just eaten somebody the other night while I watched my NASCAR race. Maybe that's why, when I told them how good they were, she said, &quot;Really?&quot;

I said, &quot;Oh, yeah. Best ribs I've ever sunk my teeth into.&quot;

She said it again with this funny look on her face, she said, &quot;Really? . . . Well, its Lee's secret recipe.&quot;

(Yeah, right.)

Now I'm not accusing anybody of anything. But I tell you what, if I catch her toting a body bag in through the backdoor, I'm gonna go over there and tell her to let me know when the ribs are ready. I'm like that Georgia detective in that Fried Green Tomatoes movie-that was the best barbecue ribs I've ever eaten, and I'll eat'em again. I don't care whose ribs they are. They some good eating as long as Lee can keep his secret.

PUBLICATIONS

1. God, Are We There Yet?: Learning to Trust God's Direction for Your Life, a non-fiction book published by Cook Communications. Released-September 2004. Sales thru November 2004-2,262.

2. God, How Much Longer?: Learning to Trust God's Redirection for Your Life, a non-fiction book published by Cook Communications. Expected release date-September 2005.

3. Survival Notes for Graduates: Inspiration for the Ultimate Journey - a devotional for graduates published by Ambassador Books. Release date-March 2004. Sales 7,500.

4. Survival Notes for Teens: Inspiration for the Emotional Journey - a devotional for students published by Ambassador Books. Release date-October 2004. Sales thru December 2004-3,500.

OTHER AWARDS AND PUBLICATIONS IN LITTLE MAGAZINES:

&quot;Post-it Note from God at the Edge of Faulkner's Yard,&quot; ?2000 Writer's Digest Writing Competition Winner

&quot;Post-It Note from God at the Edge of Faulkner's Yard,&quot; St. Anthony's Messenger, which exposed his writing to an audience of 340,000.

&quot;The Gene of Dysfunction,&quot; Aura Literary Arts Review-University

How To Get Attention, or: As You Read This, You Feel an Irresistible Urge to Go On Reading!

We all want attention. As children we crave the attention of our parents. Later in life, we want to be seen and noticed by friends and family. And when running most any type of business, we must attract the attention of our potential customers.

But how do you get somebody's undivided attention? When you were an infant, you got attention by screaming and crying. Then your parents knew you needed your diapers changed. As an adult, you can try using the same method to get noticed. Sure, you will get noticed - but in a negative way!

On the Internet, every website that is selling something has the need to be attention-grabbing within seconds; to make the visitors read about their offer rather than just clicking away. Some are then tempted to use the infant method of getting attention: screaming and yelling.

Popup-windows that pop up in your face and obscure the page text you're just trying to read, is one example. Flash-generated intro's that stop you in your tracks and say "Heeey, wait - before you read about our products I've got this f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c visual effect to show you...!" is another example of attention-grabbing contraptions that actually defeat their own purpose. They visually yell and scream at you, and draw your attention to the fact that you'd better spend your precious time somewhere else.

Then there is the type of web page that plays some sound effect the moment you arrive. Either it is a piece of music (always just the kind you hate!) or a recorded sales pitch.

Oh yes, then there is the Blinking Text... which blinks at frantic pace, just right to trigger an epileptic seizure.

One of my websites is called "The Hosting Finder". Primarily, it offers some reviews of carefully selected web hosting companies. I am not selling anything on this website, and so I do not feel it would be appropriate to use a hard-selling jargon in my introductory headline. Right now, it reads:

" Finding a Web Hosting Provider That Will Take Good Care of Your Precious Web Pages ... Can Be Confusing "

(I then explain how I researched the web to find good hosting services based on un-biased customer ratings rather than hype.)

Recently, a marketing consultant offered to look at this website and give me some feedback at no cost. I accepted, and after checking my landing page he declared the headline to be "generic and bland". Instead, he suggested the following:

" Want An Objective 'Client Feedback' Guide To Help You Find A 100% Trustworthy, Inexpensive, And Complete Web Hosting Service Provider (Based On Survey Results, Not Marketing Propaganda) -- With All The Options You Need To Run Your Web Site Smoothly And Successfully?

Avoid The Hosting Nightmare Of Trying To Keep Your Site Live And Running Smoothly... Stop Wasting Time And Money In Costly Bad Service "

In my reply, I thanked him for his trouble. I also pointed out that this flood of words might not be the optimal way of building confidence in my integrity as the provider of impartial reviews on web hosting.

Maybe I am wrong, who knows. Perhaps I should start yelling and screaming just like everybody else? But I just don't like the idea of doing that. I'd rather hypnotize people into reading my texts. Some marketing gurus advocate this approach. Here are a few examples of how you're supposed to hypnotize people:

1. As you keep reading this ad copy, you are feeling more and more compelled to experience all the benefits of our product.

2. The more you understand just how valuable our product could be to your life, the less you think about delaying this important purchase.

3. After you read this short ad you will feel like your problems are almost completely solved, all you will have to do is order.

Well, don't you feel compelled to reach for your wallet right now?! These examples are not intended as a joke; they are seriously trying to persuade people. And maybe they are, although I personally find them more amusing than hypnotizing. - I'll make a pause here; I just feel I have to go out and buy something! :-)

OK, I am back. Time to finish this little essay on how to get attention. Oh, you have read this far? So I have managed to keep your attention then! I did it by ... no, I won't give my secret away. You'll have to read my Special Report, which I'm selling for ONLY $97. But hurry, this exclusive limited special offer is expiring, and will always expire, at midnight; whatever day you happen to read this! :-)

Kai Virihaur is a researcher, web developer, and artist. He runs The Hosting Finder ( <a target="_new" href="http://www.thehostingfinder.com">http://www.thehostingfinder.com</a> ), a web hosting directory featuring articles and RSS feeds on web development, website promotion, and online marketing.

The article may be used freely as long as this resource box, with intact hyperlink, is included.

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-13-05

Dear Poor Rix: A guy just invited me to a football game. I do not understand this event. Can you explain it? -- Sport Watcher

This game begins with the entrance of referees, people with striped shirts who enforce the rules. Occasionally, someone with striped shirt and long stick may appear, and wander aimlessly. He is a &quot;lost golfer,&quot; and must be removed.

Next come the cheerleaders, who bounce onto the field, often displaying skimpy uniforms and bare midriffs. And those are just the guys.

The girls look even better, and may wave their massive pom-poms to excite the crowd. (We'll discuss pom-poms another time.)

Then comes the team &quot;mascot,&quot; often a farm animal, or a human dressed like one. Mascot uniforms are sometimes very silly, and not appropriate wearing apparel for, say, a wedding.

Next come two teams that wear different colors, plus a helmet to hide their identities from the opponents they'll tackle later. For the next three hours each squad tries to go from one end of the field to the other.

Pay attention to the quarterback, who controls the football. Sometimes he throws it to a teammate (a &quot;pass&quot;). Sometimes he hands it to somebody (a &quot;handoff&quot;).

And occasionally he may tiptoe to the sidelines, and give some cheerleader a big, wet kiss. This is called the &quot;quarterback sneak.&quot;

There's more to tell, Sport Watcher, but I gotta go. On TV, they're about to show a &quot;quarterback sneak&quot; instant replay.

Poor Rix offers bad answers to good questions. Contact him at rixquinn@charter.net.

Rix authored the recent writing book "Words That Stick." It's available from <a target="_new" href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1580085768/qid/">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1580085768/qid/</a>

For details on his weekly column, call him directly at 817-920-7999.