Your Stars Part 3

Libra

Hit TV show 'The X Factor' is back on our screens giving us all a rare, legitimate chance to laugh at the mentally ill during the audition stages. In this PC berserk world we now live in, such an activity has become scandalously frowned upon so it's only right to thank ITV for reviving this tragically forgotten pleasure by switching on in your droves. Also coming soon to your screens?.Black & White Minstrel Idol!

Scorpio

It's time to confront your partner about their recent suspicious behaviour - the extra hours spent at work, returning home slightly dishevelled and an unwillingness to make love to you because 'they're tired'. Be bold and act first ? burn all their clothes and smash their belongings to pieces before confronting them about their infidelity. Do not accept their explanation that they're doing overtime to pay off all the credit card debts you've run up because they love you and want to enjoy a stress free future with you. Ditch them and find someone that accepts you for who you are ? a paranoid, insecure, unreasonable, unhinged, spendaholic who'll do whatever a rubbish fictional astrologer tells them.

Sagittarius

A night out with an old friend makes you realise what a hash you've made of your life in comparison with theirs. They've got a better job, better relationship (including regular sex) and a better car and there's absolutely no prospect of you improving matters. Take solace from the fact that they had something nasty hanging out of their nostril for the entire evening.

Capricorn

This could be a month to really make something of your life. So go out, find a drug dealer, score some crack and heroin and start developing yourself a habit. This advice may fly in the face of previous wisdom on the subject but just look at Pete Doherty ? the moment he starts getting off his face on junk he gets in the papers every day, scoops a couple of top ten singles, makes a bucket load of money and bags himself a super model girlfriend. Just say 'no'? Just say 'pass the crack pipe' more like.

Aquarius What the hell is going on here? I'm not getting anything for you Aquariusans (or whatever you're called) this month. Every time I do this chart I just get a sudden urge to rush out and buy a Ford. Bizarre.

Pisces

DO NOT watch the third programme of the current series of X Factor UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! Apparently there's a hopeful who, in a bad light, may resemble myself slightly (but certainly IS NOT) who sings a wonderful rendition of a Brian McFadden song, and after an utterly unjustified mauling from Simon 'Wouldn't Know A Singing Psychic Megastar If It Poked Him Up The Jacksy' Cowell, ends up crying hysterically in the arms of Kate Thornton. Even though that poor unfortunate WASN'T ME (!) I'd like to take this opportunity to tell Simon Cowell that he's deprived the country of the greatest musical talent since, well, Brian McFadden. It's your loss Cowell ? not mine that bloke that looks like me!!!

Aries

Loss is difficult for anyone to cope with but please remember the old adage that time is a great healer. Your life may, at the moment, seem emptier than a fridge within the vicinity of Eamonn Holmes, but you must cling onto that light at the end of the tunnel ? Big Brother WILL be back on next year.

Taurus

September- the month that Summer turns to Autumn and a little happiness disappears from our hearts. There's a chill in the air where once there was glorious warmth. Those bright summer evenings start being lost to dark, depressing ones. The opportunity of the odd cheap thrill disappears as attractive young people start wearing more clothes and Saturday night TV on BBC1 becomes unwatchable as they trot out another appalling flop of a new series in a bid to compete with Ant & Dec and The X Factor. It's all gone rubbish hasn't it? Hang on though, it's not all bad ? if you're a parent, the kids go back to school! Woo-hoo!!!

Gemini

The new moon this month brings with it renewed optimism and with it banishes any doubts you had about certain major decisions you've had to make - you were absolutely right not to refuse your best friend's fianc? when they came on to you recently. Your friend is still on the verge of a breakdown following the death of their mother and would certainly have been in no mood get up to the filthy stuff their fianc? demanded of you. You are truly a wonderful friend, a view they will no doubt endorse when you tell them what you did. I'd leave it a few years before you do though ? or perhaps a few decades.

Cancer

Cancer- terrible name for a star sign isn't it? Surely if we have to have a sign named after an illness or affliction, it'd be better if it was something less awful - like 'Ricketts' perhaps or 'Thrush'. Mind you, there'd have to be a new symbol to go with it and designing one wouldn't come cheap. Hang on- got it! We can keep the existing symbol and just change the name to 'Crabs'. Bingo!

Leo

Beware of your short tempered nature and try and keep a perspective on things this month. We've all been there and it would be a struggle for anyone to retain their composure in similar circumstances but just remember this ? as infuriating as it is, being asked 'if you want fries with that' when ordering a McFlurry does not give you the right to get the assistant in a head lock, march them out of the door, drive them to a remote location and force them to watch re-runs of Celebrity Love Island. Sicko!

Virgo

I see cards - greetings cards. Gifts. A cake-with candles on. It looks like some sort of celebration, perhaps even a birthday celebration. Yes ? it's going to be your birthday! Happy Birthday (except those of you born in August)! God I'm good.

Your stars are available via <a target="_new" href="http://www.24-7london.co.uk">http://www.24-7london.co.uk</a>. They are written by a variety of people under the guise of 'Alex Barker'. 24-7 London is an online entertainment guide to London, England with a sense of humour.

Dog Poo - And You Thought You Had Problems

In Southern Germany in a town by the name of Bayreuth, the German police are in a quandary. The town's dog poo is under attack. Park officials are desperate to resolve what could become an international incident. Unknown person or persons have been sticking little US flags into piles of doggie poo for over a year now.

Surprisingly the dog poo brigade has managed to target between 2,000 to 3,000 abandoned piles of excrement in Bayreuth public parks. Quite who actually counted them all and provided these statistics is debatable but the source is rumoured as coming from the Parks Administrator ? Josef Oettl. And you wondered what your parkie did each day?

What was thought to have started as a protest against the Iraqi war has continued through the US election campaign and is still a regular occurrence today. Have the German's not heard of poop a scoop? Surely all self respecting German citizens collect their doggie poo. Poop in the parks and pavements was surely just a British thing?

German police are now stepping up patrols in order to catch these offenders. However, the poo could hit the fan if they ever tried to bring them to court. It is unclear what they would actually charge them with as there is no law against using doggie poo in this way. In fact, you could fly any flag from any piece of turd you find lying around. It's not illegal but it cannot be a pleasant task.

Surely this wouldn't catch on over here in the UK ? would it?

From Birmingham UK Com. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.birminghamuk.com">http://www.birminghamuk.com</a>)

Health Club Regulars ?- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym

One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the huge variety of exercise equipment that's available. It's also a great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society. Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars:

1. Screaming Banshee ?- We've all been focused on our workout when out of nowhere comes a blood-curdling sound from the corner of the weight room. You look over and there's a guy doing laterals with 20 lb dumbbells. It doesn't matter what the exercise or weight is ?- he's screaming with every rep. If it helps his workouts, then more power to him! It certainly makes a good case for a Walkman.

2. The Strainer ?- The Strainer can often be observed loading up a barbell or weight stack with poundage that he is unable to perform even a single rep in good form with. A favorite exercise of the Strainer is the triceps press down machine. He will position the pin almost near the bottom of the weight stack and then proceed to wrestle the stack downward with every ounce of his being. It's truly painful to watch, but like a car wreck, it's hard to look away.

After using most all of the muscles in his upper body along with several in his lower, he finally manages to complete a rep. &quot;That's one!&quot; Yep, only nine more to go. Oh yeah, don't bother trying to be helpful and tell him to use less weight. You'll only be greeted with a nasty glare.

3. iPod Head Banger ?- this is usually a young person, male or female, who seems to have ear buds permanently implanted into their head. Music can be a great inspiration during your workouts, but these folks turn the volume up to 11. Of course everyone in the immediate area can groove to the same jams due to the sound leaking out from their ear buds.

The hazard is that Mr. or Ms Head Banger is usually oblivious to their surroundings and you'll need to shout to get their attention if the need arises. At least you can hear them coming and give them a wide berth.

4. Stanley Steamer ?- it's hard to believe, but there are people who actually use their gym memberships just to avail themselves of the locker room amenities. Take Stanley Steamer for example. He may come in on his lunch hour or after work and do some quick cardio work and then it's right back to the locker room. The cardio work is just a pretext for what comes next.

He then will do alternating shifts between the dry sauna and steam room until he's sweated out every last drop of water from his body. This process can go on for up to an hour. &quot;Great for the pores!&quot; he'll tell you as he stands there glistening like a Thanksgiving Butterball. You go Stan!

5. Ken and Barbie ?- there are some gym regulars who are so genetically gifted that they have gone into permanent &quot;maintenance mode&quot; for they're training. Their routines consist of a solid core of shaping exercises with the strict rule that they must never, under any circumstances, ever shed one drop of sweat!

No hair is out of place and they look spectacular in their Lycra workout gear. In fact, you seem to never see them wearing anything else, even outside of the gym.

6. Chatty Cathy ?- Cathy is a relatively new species that has evolved with the proliferation of cell phones and the trend to use them no matter where we are. She will take up position on the adductor machine and wait for a call ?- any call ?- which soon arrives without fail.

She'll talk away for minutes on end. Occasionally passing the cell phone to any friends who have joined her for a &quot;workout&quot;. She'll use these breaks to get in a few reps on whatever machine she's parked herself on. Just to be fair and balanced, there are also plenty of Chatty Carls as well.

7. Swiss Ball Magician ?- this is usually either a personal trainer or staff member who has learned a large repertoire of stability ball exercises from a special course or secret training manual. I marvel at the endless variety of moves they possess!

They're on top of the ball, under it, along side it, between the legs with it, and around the back. They make the Harlem Globe Trotters look like pikers! Actually, I pay close attention when they're around and try to cop some of their moves.

All of these types are well-meaning folks and they are certainly preferable to some of the knuckleheads that sometimes show up at the gym. They make going to the gym the enjoyable and enriching experience that it is.

Rich Rojas

Elliptical Trainer Reviews and Fitness Ideas

<a target="_new" href="http://www.ellipticalhome.com">http://www.ellipticalhome.com</a>

Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward

Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never sleeps" should visit The Maternity Ward. My recent visit included a drop-in on several screenings of "A Star Is Born" at the late-show theatre, right near Mama's Breast (all night milk bar) and Papa's Gas Station ("We burp you on your way.").

To a chorus of infant cries, I drafted this column at 1:00 a.m. Of course, it was 3:00 p.m. in Tokyo, so I suppose it wasn't so late after all.

The whole experience of birthing seems to be a very traumatic way to build a family. Fortunately, it did lead to two very happy results. It gave me a new daughter, Lauralee, the Little Sister. And it taught me some valuable lessons, which it is my patriotic duty to share with you.

The first lesson ? all men, take note ? is that my wife is my hero.

As the husband, I experienced the whole birthing outburst second-hand. After careful observation, I conclude that this is the best way to experience it. (Apparently I had some first-hand experience over 40 years ago, but I can't remember too many details.)

Most husbands suffer great humiliation during childbirth. Wives hurl razor-sharp insults like "I hate you!" and "You fink!" and "You did this to me!" and "I HATE YOU!!!" My wife, truly original even in pure agony, didn't use any of those words. In fact, she didn't say a thing. Instead, she threw up on me.

Of course, I don't hold the throwing up against her. The second lesson I wish to share with you is the importance of forgiving people who act in haste, in anger, or in excruciating pain from pushing a six-inch wide baby through a one-inch wide hole in their bodies.

Did I mention that this was a "natural" childbirth? Natural, as in no painkillers. OK, so there was the epidural, which should have relieved the pain, if even one of the four dosage increases had worked. And I suppose you could call morphine and nubain painkillers if they had actually killed any pain.

So my wife, with a permanent back condition amplifying the stab of every contraction and reverberating it through the spine with no momentary relief between contractions, felt every glorious minute ? 487 in all ? of the unplanned "natural" childbirth. Did I mention that she is my hero? The third lesson is, when the best-laid plans go astray, improvise (which might explain the throwing up ? I have reason to believe it was not planned, either).

My wife's trauma was nothing compared to what Little Sister overcame. Her shoulders got stuck, pinching the umbilical cord and cutting the oxygen supply from her not-quite-yet-born brain. To do the equivalent, you would have to press your shoulder up into your nose, while a bulldozer on steroids pushes you in a river of blood through your mailbox. (Don't try this at home, folks.)

Thanks to Quick Thinking Doctor, the focused team of nurses, and a well-sharpened pair of scissors, Little Sister is enjoying great suction at the all-night milk bar with no more damage than a limp arm. (That's "brachial plexus injury" in medicalese.) The arm will hopefully recover. Even if it doesn't, we know what the alternative would have been ... and we do not look good in black. Lesson number four is to appreciate what you have rather than worry about what you don't.

The Maternity Ward offers far too many lessons to share with you now. My fatigue is overtaking me. I feel like a wad of gum squished on the asphalt, baked in the sun, and stuck on a motorcycle tire burning rubber on a gravel trail. Ha! Bet you never felt like that in New York, New York.

About The Author

The author is David Leonhardt, The Happy Guy. To receive his satirical happiness column weekly in your inbox, sign up at <a href="http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html" target="_new">http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html</a>

<a href="mailto:Info@TheHappyGuy.com">Info@TheHappyGuy.com</a>

11 Alternative Garden Games

Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come to entertaining your garden party guests? Weary of boring badminton and jarts? Croquet not your style? Then you're in the right spot! Here are games sure to make your next party the hit of the gardening social season!

Icebreakers

Game #1: The Gnat Slap
Equipment required: A garden of any size.
As your guests arrive, invite them for the obligatory 'stroll through the garden'. Tell them they are welcome to slap the gnats but only those gnats annoying another guest; never are they permitted to slap gnats hovering around their own eyes, nose, ears or mouth. The winner is the last guest standing. A great icebreaker!
Game #2: The 3-Legged Butterfly Chase
Equipment required: Rope or wire to bind legs.
This is lots of fun. Tightly bind two guests' legs together to make a three-legged contestant. Then tell them you'll unbind them only after they've captured a butterfly.
Tip: For a longer lasting game, declare the quarry to be a hummingbird.
Game #3: Competitive Weed Pulling
Equipment required: Weeds of any kind.
This is a great game to reward the hard working guest. Entrants don't eat until the entire garden is cleaned of weeds. Winner: The person with the most weeds eats first and most, and so on down the line. This game teaches the rewards of the Puritan work ethic.
Game #4: The Wasp Dodge
Equipment required: More wire for binding, an in-ground wasp nest or two (Yellow Jackets are the best!), a small amount of kerosene.
With hands tightly wired behind their backs, have your players stand in a circle around a wasp nest entrance. Irritate the wasps by sprinkling a little kerosene over the hole and oh, boy! Stand back! Entrants are judged on style, grace, self-defensive acrobatic movements and number of stings.

Games to Play While the Frozen Turkey Cooks on the Charcoal Grill

Game #5: Watch the Lawn Go Dormant
Equipment required: A dry turf.
This is for those guests that had a poor showing in the other games. The winner is the person still awake when the lawn is actually declared dormant.
Game #6: Bobbing for Aquatic Insects
Equipment required: A stagnant water source such as a neglected pool, pond or bucket. Kids love this one!
The winner is whoever come up with the largest water strider. Incentive for the competitively spirited: Anyone bobbing to the bottom retrieving the hapless mouse that slipped in about a month ago qualifies for the National Bobb-Off!
Game #7: Slug Races
Equipment required: A slug for each guest.
We suggest two events: The 4" sprint and the 2-foot marathon. Guests may mark their slugs in any way they wish.
Tip 1: Use an air-horn to signify the start of the races. Slugs are hard of hearing.
Tip 2: Entrants in the "Watch the Lawn Go Dormant" game can play this game simultaneously.
Game #8: Hornet's Nest Pinata
Equipment required: 1 large hornet's nest, a stick long enough to reach the nest, a blindfold.
This game really livens things up after the slower pace of the slug races and helps work off dinner.
Game #9: Blindfolded Lawn Mowing
Equipment required: A power mower and the blindfold from the Hornet's Nest Pinata game if it isn't too bloody.
Everyone loves this sport! One by one guests are blindfolded and told to mow the grass. The winner is the contestant who runs over the fewest trees, shrubs, flowers, pets and other guests. Lotsa laughs!
Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.

Games for After Dark

Game #10: Firefly Shooting
Equipment required: A BB gun for everyone.
After a fun day of activities and food, gather everyone in the center of the garden in a large circle to try their hand at nailing a few fireflies. The winner, and don't expect one, is anyone who actually knocks a lightening bug out of the sky.
Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.
Game #11: Feed the Mosquitos
Equipment required: Go figure.
Play this last game while lingering over "good-byes" in the garden.

When Tom Schneider isn't trying to find new guests to invite to his garden parties, he and his wife Deb are busy with their on-line <a target="_new" href="http://www.windstarembroidery.com/embroidery-design-shop.cfm">machine embroidery design</a> business, <a target="_new" href="http://www.windstarembroidery.com">WindstarEmbroidery.com</a>

Humor Under The Keyboards

For me, the piano is the symbol of what is stiff, proper and elegant. It doesn't have faults, it is perfect. Pianists are the most perfectionist people in the world. They should not and can not make mistakes especially when performing. That is how I viewed the piano and the pianists. But then, I just found out I was wrong. A few researches and I have once again proven that appearances can be deceiving.

The pianists we see play appear to be the most formal and respectable stars on the stage. They hold the power and the breath of the audiences. They could look intimidating in their formal suits not to mention the authority and the air of arrogance they exude while on stage. They can be captivating.

But before we forget, these pianists are also human. And humans do make mistakes. Most of these mistakes can be frustrating and depressing. But then, there are also mistakes that are amusing and could also be totally hilarious. It shows how fun could be inserted even in the most seemingly stuffy and proper event.

Here are some examples:

When asked for their definition of a piano, some famous musicians and musical enthusiasts have some famous replies:

? For David W. Barber (The Musician's Dictionary), a piano is a cumbersome piece of furniture found in many homes, where playing it ensures the early departure of unwanted guests.

? Piano (n.) is a parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience, according to Ambrose Bierce, an American journalist (The Devil's Dictionary).

? A piano tuner is a person employed to come into the home, rearrange the furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner's chief purpose is to ascertain the breaking point of the piano's strings.

Though these definitions may sound humorous, you can never miss the ironies in it. Coming from people who live and breathe the piano, these definitions seem odd.

Here's more ? when asked about their secrets in playing, you would certainly be surprised at how simple their secrets can be, and definitely applicable.

? Australian pianist Artur Schnabel said, &quot;I always make sure that the lid over the keyboard is open before I start to play&quot;.

? &quot;Nothing soothes me more after a long and maddening course of pianoforte recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled&quot;, said George Bernard Shaw, a writer and a music critic.

I definitely agree with Artur Schnabel's top secret! I wonder why George found it relaxing to have his teeth drilled after hearing the pianoforte recitals. Check out more of the piano's funny side:

? Bob Hope, an American comedian commented on fellow comedian Phyllis Diller on her playing the piano: &quot;When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.&quot;

? A band teacher recalled the title of the song &quot;Claire de Lune&quot; played by a student as &quot;Claire de Loonie&quot;.

? The audiences at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note, the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, &quot;If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!&quot;

Now, let's check out some famous questions and answers in the funny world of piano:

? What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor

? What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major

? Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright? Because is makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

? Why was the piano invented? So that the musician would have a place to put his beer.

? Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning? They never struck the same place twice.

? What did they find when they dug up Beethoven's grave? He was decomposing.

? Why did Mozart kill his chicken? Because they always ran around going, &quot;Bach! Bach! Bach!&quot;

? Imagine a singer, a piano player, a bass player and a drummer sitting around the table. Now if you drop a hundred-dollar bill right in the middle and tell them they're free to take it, who's getting it? The piano player. Because the bass player is too slow, for the winger it's too little money and the drummer didn't get the assignment.

Now that we've seen the humor under the keyboards, the piano and the pianists are not as elusive as they seem to be. It is just like discovering a new type of music. The piano and the pianist can take not just the breath out of the audiences but also the laughter as they present not only fine music but terrific humor as well. Having fun is what life is all about.

About The Author

The writer Ismael D. Tabije runs the website <a href="http://pianos.e-mart4all.com" target="_new">http://pianos.e-mart4all.com</a> that markets a wide choice of high-quality digital pianos and accessories at the lowest prices in the online market. Brands sold include Casio, Yamaha, Korg, Kurzweil and Roland. The website also features interesting piano articles about piano humor, trivia, myths and facts and even piano lessons and instructions.

When It Rains, It Pours: Creating a Plan

It's time for me to announce that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there to stop people from stealing my jackets. Some of the skeletons actually wear the jackets so they don't get cold. That may seem strange to people, but never has a skeleton complained to me...

"And what if?" you may be thinking.

"What if what?" I may be thinking back to you.

"What if a skeleton complained?" you may clarify.

Obviously if that were the case, then I'd use my skeleton key to lock the door. There's nothing I hate more than cold or numb skulls complaining to me about the temperature...

Let the truth be known, though, that it is that time of year when the weather can be bad. Like, raining cats and dogs type of bad, but add hamsters and wind to it -- along with a sun that is so strong, it could fry ants with the help of a magnifying glass. A lot of people complain about rain, but they need to put things into perspective and imagine how much worse it'd be if that rain were snot instead. Or maybe tons o' snot, which would be horrifying and a palindrome at the same time...

If this snotfall ever occurs, we need to establish a plan. Since no one else has volunteered, let me be the first:

Plan A: Cover trees with tissues to absorb a lot of the damage.

Plan B: The same as Plan A except without the tissues.

Plan C: Wait until the next Harry Potter book comes out, and then let the people in line cast spells to eliminate the problem.

Plan D: Wait until the next spelling bee, and let the contestants spell "cast" to eliminate the problem.

It may seem like my plan will not contribute to eliminating a major disaster, but it is important that my help ends there. From this point on, all plans will be organized by my skeleton. Make no bones about it...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)